Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Men should not wear earrings. Especially if they dangle.

So today at lunch, I ventured out to mail a gift for Mother's Day (side note: I thought for an extended period about keeping the gift for myself and getting mom something else, but decided against it when I realized how bad of a child that makes me...Indian giver...wait. I'm an Indian, maybe it's ok...). I walked into the UPS store and went straight to the card rack. I was very obviously looking for a card when the guy behind the desk chimes in, "Can I help you find anything?" Ok, first of all, thanks for being kind and helpful, but seriously? Did you really think I needed help finding a card? Did you assume that I was looking for a box, but somehow became really confused on my intentions? Do you think you know my mother better than I and therefore, would be able to find a more suitable choice? Clearly I was looking for a card. Clearly. I shot him a annoyed smile and said, "No, thanks, I'm good." After I found a lame card (side note #2: why do all of the cards at the UPS store have animals or babies on them? Seriously. Go look. Take the challenge), I stood in line to mail my package. The woman in front of me was obviously having a bad day. After snapping at the card-picker-outer behind the counter about how she couldn't lift her box, she read each address off like she was in a spelling bee and did the ol' "b as in boy" rountine several uneccessary times. I stood there waiting patiently with the gift I still wanted for myself and my lame baby/animal card. Well, after the grouchy speller left, I gave my info to another guy (not the card guy) so he could send my package. Right when I was about to pay, in walks 1984. Honestly, I looked for a hidden camera because I thought this guy was kidding. He had tight white-washed tapered jeans, dirty white high tops with velcro at the top (you know the ones), a wrikled polo with a skewed collar stretched over his gut and tucked in (aka holding on for dear life), complete with a frosted (to cover up the gray), frizzy, thin mullet. This one could have won an award. Very business-like in the front, but feathered with an extremely long party in the back (this is the moment where I start to pray for a friend to walk in so I can share this moment with another). To top it all off, I notice something dangling from this beauty's left ear. That's right...a long gold dangling earring. The kind that even Vanilla Ice would be embarassed to wear. He asked the card expert a question and, needless to say, his accent and tone of voice matched perfectly.

God bless the mullet and the spelling bee.

1 comment:

Christine said...

I don't even know what to say to this. I don't know what's worse...the shirt pulled over his gut...or the fact that there are still people on earth who wear tight white-washed jeans. I believe you, though....I went to the Glam Slam Metal Jam concert in Nashville a few years back - oh, yes, Poison, Quiet Riot, and Enuf z'Enuf - and I saw them in all their glory.